Have you had an experience in your life that embarrassed
you? Embarrassment can have long lasting
effects on our psyche and even unconscious ramifications. Especially when they occur at a young
age. I want to invite you on a journey
with me to one of those times.
If you have ever felt confused or conflicted, you are not
alone.
I was born into an extremely artistic family. My mother and brother were extremely talented
as painters and artists. I remember
watching them and so wanting to share in that blissful state I would witness
them enter. I too was born with the
artist gene and loved to draw and paint.
When I was about five years old I remember and incident that
changed my life. Forever left it’s
mark. It’s difficult to this day to talk
about it. I was drawing one night with
crayons and markers and somewhere came the thought to draw “naked people”. Maybe I had seen my brother’s encyclopedias
with human anatomy or a National Geographic… I don’t really know where the
inspiration came from. My family was
very private about nudity. I don’t think
I ever saw anyone in my family in the nude.
EVER!
So, I began to draw what I knew in the most anatomically
correct version my mind could construct several naked people. I was so proud. It was beautiful to me and quite
detailed. I ran to show my mother. Beaming with possibility of how she would
rave over my talent.
I was wrong! So
wrong! She totally flipped out and then
ran and showed my father. I don’t
remember what all they said to me that night but the energy was flowing with
shame and guilt. They were terrified of
how I knew what people looked like naked and worse yet that I would think it
was okay to draw them. I trembled and
cried. My mother tore up the drawing and
shrieked.
I had no idea what I had done wrong but I never drew ever
again. Oh, I would do my duty at school
and when I had to do art, did only what I was told. I was so scared of disappointing anyone and
ever facing that guilt or shame.
I was so conflicted.
Art was in my soul. My light had
been dimmed that night and I never pursued art again until just the past few
years and I am in my late 40’s now. I
realize how much art is meditation to me and how important it is. It took me years to face the guilt and shame
that blocked my true inner passion.
I regret that I did not recognize the impact of that moment
and what it cheated me out of all these years.
Now I realize that the human body is beautiful and art in
motion in and of itself. I value the
amazing grace that God made each and every one of us in likeness. And now I paint and love the process. I have come full circle.
If you have a really embarrassing event in your past that
has you in a place where it is difficult to even relive it in your memory or
think about, I challenge you to go there.
Sit with it. Think about it’s
impact and where you are in your life today.
Has it kept you from something beautiful and powerful. Is it continuing to limit you in any way?
Honor those feelings and then find beauty in the ashes.
This was a painting I did to break my fears. Naked people.
